Author: Anna, our psychologist.
My colleague and I once talked about values. And I enthusiastically said this phrase: “Here, for example, family is a great value for me. That’s why I got divorced.” He laughed, “do You hear what you’re saying? Value and so you got divorced.”
I suddenly realized. That’s why. Family for me includes such values as respect, trust, sincerity, the ability to Express their feelings, acceptance of a different point of view of the partner, even if it is not clear to me, the ability to negotiate, the ability to empathize, openly Express their feelings, willingness to recognize their contribution to the situation, the desire to change and develop together, loyalty.
I guess I can talk about my divorce now. Rather, about 2 divorces. Because it is thanks to them that I came to the profession. The first was a child marriage – which often happens – a way to escape from the dictatorship of the mother.
A beautiful intelligent co-dependent family, with all the ensuing consequences – a dysfunctional father, realized only in creative work, and at home turning into a child and periodically escaping into a binge, and controlling, punishing, aggressive devaluing mother, who suddenly sometimes could give out waves of love and support.
When and what to expect was not clear. Grew up in the triangle, often working as a “scapegoat”.
Who could I choose as a husband, and even in 19 years? It is clear that in a couple of years my husband went into alcoholism. I decided I was unlucky. I won’t stand it like mom, I’ll leave. So what if I have a daughter.
In force codependence “was leaving” I times 5. Finally jumped out of the “married” married, of Course, a great love, and with the blessing of the mother: “He’ll dump you”. And immediately gave birth to a son. I got the same rake, but the partner is not with the father’s acceptance and kindness (such an alcoholic, soulful, warm), and with maternal criticism and depreciation, which very quickly became the background of our communication.
Whoops. And that’s where I thought. Something’s not right. Says my colleague: “What this engine sucks flies”. Depression began. And went to psychologist. To figure out how this could happen to me. Soon realized, that only such and could happen with me. And when I decided to become a Gestalt therapist, studied, went to groups, to personal therapy, I realized that if I change, then my partner, too, if he wants, can change. And so wanted this. “Suddenly the magician arrives in a blue helicopter”. But the miracle did not happen.
It went on, “What kind of psychologist are you? You to the psychologist as the moon. Mad. I, too, student. Need to sit at home, homework to check.”
And then I realized. Not just understood, but felt: “you can’t do this”. It was so amazing. It was easy. It’s like I dropped some weight. Yes… my values began to change, and trust and respect, sensitivity and care for another person became the main thing in the relationship.
But there was a family. My husband used to say, “you Have to live for your family.” And I thought, who is this mythical “Family”, for which you need to suffer four people, two and which, by the way, children? Where is love? Where is the support? Where is dinner, with warmth, humor, with disputes who will wash dishes and laughter? Where sofa watching movies, where all the blissfully lying in an embrace on the couch, and small gradually begins to snore? No big deal. And even a hint of change. I said to the therapist, “Maybe you can live like this? Well, he himself, I myself… Yet the apartment, property, cottage, children, parents.”
And most people do. What to do? Where to go? But if someone loved, took, called. It’s called living for a Family.
My therapist asked, “what is the value of this relationship?”. And that’s all. That was decisive. Because the family has become a value for me, and the relationship in which I found myself, it is not consistent. That’s it. Family’s a value to me, which is why I got divorced. And when I see clients looking for a therapist on a “success card,” they often say that if they’re divorced, they’re not… well, how to go to such. Though sometimes behind it there is a huge sincere work. Because this is a significant and global change in life that requires courage, sincerity and responsibility.