Why is a person sometimes unable to cope with his difficulties?
Sometimes, in order to change the situation, you yourself have to become different in something. Suppose a woman all the time comes across men with addictions: either a player or an alcoholic. She needs to somehow change her behavior, character, and other people will pay attention to her.
But you can’t imagine how tenaciously we hold on to the old. Even realizing that life has reached an impasse, a person will bang his head against the wall, although the exit is close by. Of course, a psychologist will not make a dreamer a realist. But he will help to translate his fantasies into reality or into works of art.
Our task is to help people extract painful memories, heal old spiritual wounds, and face their fears. All these unresolved problems eat up a colossal amount of mental strength. They must be freed for life.
But if I myself can’t find a way out, then how can a psychologist who hardly knows me help?
And he should not strive to solve your problem for you. One of the signs of unprofessionalism is the promise of a concrete result: “I will return my beloved”, “I will save my family”, “I will relieve depression”. After all, most of the work in the company with a psychologist you do yourself. And he cannot predict what results you will come to and how soon. Or maybe you will understand that you do not need this “beloved” at all? You can be guaranteed only the correct, professional support in your search for a way out.
Well, if the psychologist cannot promise a specific result, then I’d better tell my girlfriend about my problem.
This is not at all “better.” Girlfriend is an interested person. Suppose you are going to get married, but you have some doubts. A friend at the level of consciousness is happy for you. But subconsciously, perhaps, he feels that your friendship will change – you will spend most of the time with your husband. And without realizing it, she may be on the side of your doubts.
In the West, psychotherapists are forbidden to even appear in the same company with their client. If your psychologist claims to be friends, have informal meetings, offers or accepts any services from you, then you are a layman. If you want to be friends with him, please, but the psychotherapeutic meetings will need to be stopped.
In addition, a girlfriend can not always listen correctly. And in any case, an unprofessional listener will try to give you advice. But he is he. And you are you. And if a certain model of behavior helped him in a similar situation, then this does not mean that it will suit you.
My client had such a case. She was completely exhausted with her elderly mother: she was no longer in herself, did not give her rest, day or night. Once, brought to the limit, she called on one of the phones where they promised psychological help. “What is the problem? – answered the lady on the other end of the wire. “Take your mother to a nursing home and live in peace.”
So another sign of an unprofessional psychologist is if he imposes advice on you or pushes you to a certain direction. You must make your own decision and bear responsibility for it.
Is it true that psychologists themselves go to see their colleagues?
Truth. And so what? If the surgeon suspects appendicitis in himself, he will not do the surgery himself. And if the psychologist periodically studies his internal problems with another psychologist, this just speaks very well of him.
Sounds wonderful. But as far as I know, among the people of this profession a large number of divorces …
Of course, a psychologist can have his unresolved problems. He is not a guru, he is just like all of us. But he must know that he has these problems, and make sure that he does not transfer them from a sick head to a healthy one.
Pay attention to the behavior of your psychologist during the meeting. If he is absent-minded, listens poorly to you, thinks about something of his own, too often refers to his own experience – most likely, you will not get any benefit from working with him.
Psychotherapy is not a pleasure for the poor. If we turn to statistics, then 47% of respondents believe that prices for sessions are not available to them. I understand that psychologists need to live on something. But there is something immoral in taking money for the provision of mental assistance. How do you think?
But you pay doctors if you go to a private clinic. However, the point is not that the psychologist also wants to eat.
The effect of psychotherapy is not always high enough. The client holds on to the old, does not want to change anything in his behavior, is waiting for some wonderful transformations. Money, and it’s very sensitive, makes him make at least some effort: think about what was in the psychotherapist’s office, try other forms of behavior.
If the client does not pay, then no work will follow: for example, we met a nice person, chatted, and parted. Well, and besides, money is a guarantee of independence from each other: you pay, I provide a service. No one owes anything to anyone.
But will it not turn out that the psychologist will drag out the work in order to draw out more money? Or does he “add” a person to psychotherapy so that he will not be able to step on his own then?
There is such a danger. Therefore, determine in advance what will be the result of your therapy. Let’s say you have a phobia – you cannot ride the subway. As a result of the work, you have overcome this fear, all, thank you, goodbye.
If the psychologist says that you still need to understand your relationship with your mother, and you think that this is not relevant now, tell me what you think. And do as you see fit.
The psychologist’s task is to make the person become fully grown-up: he can make decisions, be responsible for them, do things, have friends and loved ones. If in the course of therapy you feel that you have become weaker and you are constantly drawn to tell the therapist everything, change the specialist.